Debby Does…

Look, I don’t want to be the gal yelling at kids to get off her lawn or shaking my figurative finger at everyone all the time, but it’s time to talk turkey about behavior at the theater.

I have ranted and raved on this topic before, but I believe, post Covid lockdown, behavior in all areas has declined. Nowhere is this more true than the theater.

I think there are some basic tenets upon which we must agree before we can fully delve into this pit of dreadful conduct. These are, as I say, the most basic; therefore, if you do not agree, gentle reader, please move on to something else.

First, you are not the only person in the theater, nor are you the most important.

You do not have the right—constitutionally or otherwise—to diminish anyone else’s experience.

Your phone is not credited in the program as a part of the lighting plot, so turn it the heck off.

When the announcements cite flash photography as a no no, they are actually talking to everyone, including you. Yes, you, Flashy McFlasherson.

The people on the stage can see you. They can hear you too.

The theater is not the location for you to have a full meal.

Now that we have that set of norms established, let’s get busy with the business of behavior.

Do we blame it on arrogance and entitlement, ignorance, cluelessness, or sheer apathy? What do you think? Stop and examine your own choices. Do you always turn your phone off? Do you get up during the performance to go the concession stand or the bathroom (emergencies are excused)? Do you clean out your purse while sitting in the front row of the Eagle Theater during Our Town? Yes. That happened. To me. While I was on stage trying very hard to be dead but paying attention to my next line.

I firmly believe that people violating these rules at the theater should be removed when possible. There is a difference, Lauren Boebert, between enthusiastically enjoying a performance and vaping, groping, singing, and recording during said performance.

I understand that theaters serve alcohol and snacks. I understand that you are going to bring them into the auditorium, even if you were told not to. What I cannot bring myself to understand is why you choose to open your Ding Dong or your Twinkie as I am singing my ballad? You could do that completely inconspicuously during the applause for my ballad.

I love Lin Manuel Miranda and Patti LuPone calling audience members out for their cell phones. I wish more people would do it. I wish they would stop the show and say, “You, in the red sweater, row D, seat 117, we’re waiting. Put your phone away.” I find public humiliation to be very efficient at correcting behavior.

Now, maybe this is the moment where you’re telling me that you paid $450 for your ticket to Sweeney Todd. You deserve to do whatever you want for that price. If you want to record or sing along to the entire score, you are entitled to do so.

That’s the moment that I tell you that I don’t give a flying fuck what you paid. You are violating the first two basic rules that we agreed to. You’re done. Get out.

We can do a far better job in our schools by teaching kids how to behave through well planned assemblies (I almost choked while typing that; pipe dream); small, thoughtful field trips; and clear warnings and consequences for violating these basic norms.

If you still aren’t convinced, I’ll ask you to tell me why I’m wrong. Just know what you’re coming up against: more than 30 years of professional performing on stages from regional theaters to casinos; the direction of more than 45 musicals and performances; and all the Irish and Lebanese hostility I can muster.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

I think.