Debby Does…

So, I struggle to be a guest. I am so accustomed to being a host that when the situation is reversed, I find myself in flight mode. Having someone else do for me is incredibly challenging. I guess that sounds weird.

Well, I am weird. That is a well known fact.

This past fall, we had the incredible experience of attending a wedding in beautiful Turks and Caicos. Financially, it could have been tricky for us, but because we hoard Marriott points, we were able to stay for free at the Ritz Carlton. It was a lovely experience, once I had my complete meltdown and fought the system for two days.

Places like the Ritz are built on a culture of service. Well, so am I. I want to take care of you. That’s how I’m wired. You sit, be comfortable, and let me get your footrest, herbal tea, and digestive biscuit. If I sat while you got your own, I would disintegrate before your eyes, and my mother and grandmother would shake their heads from heaven above. That’s how I felt those first couple of days at the Ritz. Why should I have someone else put my towel on the chair when I am perfectly capable myself? How can I let someone else clean up after me when I should do that on my own?

Well, honestly, tips. Tips are the answer. The hospitality industry is all about tips. That’s part of how these workers survive, financially.

And, listen, I understood that part, but still I struggled. Finally, I found the right balance of mimosas, sea air, and, well, vacationism. That’s not a word, but it’s what I came up with. From that point forward, I had an amazing and relaxing time.

When I come to your house, I feel the same way. I feel guilty using your towels or making you strip the bed after I leave. I’m up for doing your dishes, cooking the meals, and creating any experiences you would like to have. Ask me to just sit back and let you handle everything and my internal combustion system combusts.

Yes. I know. I have control issues. Yes. I know. I am a micromanager. I’m working on that with my lovely therapist, Donna. I come from a long line of these types. It’s pretty imbedded in my DNA. Plus, when you come to my house, you enjoy those qualities. You may hate to admit it, but you do, despite how many times you ask me to sit down.

Will Guidara wrote a book called “Unreasonable Hospitality” and, after hearing him as a guest on NPR’s Splendid Table (find a more liberal leaning sentence and I’ll give you a quarter), I really started thinking about being intentional in my home with guests and turning thoughtfulness into practice. At the same time, I am realizing that running around like the energizer bunny is not providing anyone with the feeling of being cared for. It’s just making them exhausted at the thought of my exhaustion. It’s not thoughtful. It’s fretful.

As I move to my new house, I want my hospitality to be much more effortless. More than that, I want it to include dedicated and focused time spent with my guests. I mean, isn’t that why they’re there? For time together? I’m sure they didn’t just come for the croissant French toast or the handcrafted cocktails. They came to be together. They don’t care if we order pizza and drink beer from the bottle, as opposed to a hand blown, frosty mug. They don’t care if I bought bagels or made my own. They’re there for real conversation, laughter, and memories. That’s why we call them friends.

This will be hard for me, but I’m up for the challenge! I can definitely simplify this process with some planning, some reliance on small local businesses, the help of my associate, and the constant reminder that it is the time that matters, not the menu, the agenda, or the fancy.

I mean, I might even let the dishes go until the morning.

I said might.

Baby steps, Debby.