Debby Does…

This is a topic with which I am awfully familiar. I have written about it before. I have experienced it before, as the person of whom the worst was assumed. And, in the interest of sheer honesty, I have done the assuming. We all have. We’ve all been on both sides of this tricky bit of life.

Almost ten years ago, we had someone assume the absolute worst of us during a very special occasion. It led to some awful things being said to us and about us. It caused a longtime friendship to disintegrate. It showed us who are true friends were. It made us unbearably sad.

And, it taught us this incredibly valuable lesson:

If you love someone and they are part of your special circle of friends and framily, doesn’t it just make sense to assume the best of them, even if you feel they’re at their worst? I mean, if you’ve made it to that echelon of logical family in my world, you’ve been seriously vetted, earned my trust and loyalty, and moved far beyond casual acquaintance. To me, that means I have to assume the best, even if I misunderstand your actions or you unintentionally hurt me.

As a grown up, it’s my obligation to go to you and ask simple questions. “Did you mean to hurt my feelings? Did I do something to hurt yours?”

I’m pretty certain that the dearest among us do not mean to hurt us when they do. Misunderstandings, misinterpreted tone, outside stressors, and so much more can affect how we react and approach different situations and circumstances.

That’s why I try so hard to make my default setting to assume the best about those I love.

There is some real scarring from having people that you thought knew you and knew your heart assume awful, careless, and hurtful things about you. We all know that, and yet, we don’t always get it right, even with the best intentions. I think this is where the honesty has to kick in.

After this incident in 2014, I wrote a long note about this very topic to the folks who so egregiously accused me of being among the worst humans they had ever encountered. I told them that I could never understand how two people who claimed to love me so much could believe that I would purposefully hurt them and cause them to react that way. A series of confusing comments, the refusal to communicate when prompted, and then, ultimately, a huge scene, culminating in physicality and profanity, ended what was to be a lovely coming together of the people who meant the most to us. We were completely blindsided and devastated that we had caused people we loved to feel less than loved.

Communication, reflection, and that pesky assumption that we’re all doing our best could have changed the trajectory of our friendship.

I don’t always get this right. I know you don’t either. What I do, though, is keep it as a mantra, this reminder of your intentions, your heart, and your goodness. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be in my life. I don’t make room for the mean, the careless, the unfeeling, the unempathetic, and stonyhearted.

My circle is filled with you—the loving, the funny, the flawed, the always working to get better, the ever evolving, the truehearted, the loyal, the humble, and the dear ones that stumble along with me as we make our messes in this thing we call life. I’m so grateful to keep company with you.

It’s been ten years of hanging on to this idea and it has served me well. In fact, it has made my marriage infinitely stronger because we both try so hard to remember that we would never hurt one another on purpose and that, sometimes, we are just inconsiderate or plain dumb because we’re tired, or sick, or sick and tired! It made me a way better teacher and colleague when I let that notion rule my interactions and communications. Giving people room to be “not at their best” is a gift that we should give ourselves and hope for in return from those around us. It doesn’t cost anything. It pays dividends. It’s the very best investment you can make.

I’m doing my absolute best. I think you are too.