How does the song go? “On a clear day, rise and look around you, and you’ll see who you are.”
Okay. Well, I don’t think I’m getting that last bit right.
I asked a few questions last night on my FB page about if people like themselves, if they dress as though they are beautiful or attractive, and if they are waiting for some milestone to answer those questions differently.
People were very honest and overwhelmingly responded positively about themselves. That led me to question why I seem to still be in a rut of self loathing.
I’ve been watching the new season of Queer Eye. If you don’t watch or you haven’t started this season, get your tissues. I’m not sure Jeremiah is going to make it through. Even though I always says this, I think this is my favorite season. I’m so happy for people who are transformed by this experience. I feel the same way about Lottery Dream Home or House Hunters when people achieve something they never thought possible and it changes their lives. I love rooting for people.
I just don’t really seem to root for myself.
Now, listen, I am not looking for affirmations from you or a cheerleading squad. I’m just wondering when this happened to me.
Empirically, I am attractive. I know this. I can put myself together. I have a particular sense of style, though I seem to have misplaced it lately. I am charismatic, funny, and generous of spirit. I just look in the mirror and see frumpy, tired, and a bit lost, in terms of my appearance.
I’ve never really been one for beauty regimes and salon care. My bathroom isn’t stocked with creams and serums. I’m finally trying to be better about moisturizing, taking off my make up, and the like. I am trying to do something about some age spots and radiation freckles, but that’s a longterm project. I don’t know what else I should be doing.
I need a new hairstyle and have finally found a salon. Appointment upcoming.
I am going to buy some new clothes and stop wearing Hey Dudes as my sole (no pun intended) footwear.
But, I wonder if any of that will really change how I feel.
I don’t look at other people the way I look at myself, but I think that’s normal. I look at other people with a great deal of grace and love. I think everyone is so beautiful and put together and special. I just want to feel that way about myself.
And, I don’t want to use excuses like…when I lose weight or when my arms are more toned or when I have a real reason to look good. I want to do it for myself. I love doing it for other people, but I just cannot seem to get myself together these days.
Look, I know the past four years have been hard and long and traumatic. I do not discount that. I also know that people don’t see what I see when they look at me. I just know that I need to look at myself, as I am, right now, with love and grace and forgiveness and kindness.
Truthfully, this is what I thought a lot more of my friends would describe about their feelings. I’m so happy that you see yourself through a lens of love. I adore that!
I look at Queer Eye’s Jonathan van Ness with a sense of awe. What a truly authentic human being, honey. Did you see him on the red carpet at the Golden Globes?
Here’s some much needed Queer Eye wisdom from JVN:
“How you take care of yourself is how the world sees you. It’s okay to have a relationship with yourself.” – Jonathan Van Ness
I’ll take any advice, words of wisdom, and gentle nudging, please.
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